Archive for November, 2008
November 30, 2008
Ok, so bummer of all bummers, Market Table was too ’spensive, so Charlie and his wienerhost (uh, boyfriend) went to dinner at Dumont in Williamsbarf. He had a belgian amber beer with his crispy artichoke salad with fried lemon and shaved parmesan. MMMMmmm. He had a roasted half chicken served on a bed of mashed potatoes and some sort of delicious gravy sauce. There were also two carmelized mini-onion balls. He also picked at his bboy’s mac n cheese, because it’s baked with gruyere cheese and sprinkled with bacon. And he drank two glasses of riesling (daddy boyfriend’s choice).
Ok, now get ready for this. AFTERWARDS, he had another dinner. A friend was throwing a mini-dinner party and served braised ribs, grilled leaks with butter and garlic sauce and broccoli gratin. The ribs were covered in soy sauce and mustard and covered in onions. The meat fell right off the bone!!!!! He washed it down with lambrusco (a fizzy red wine made from young grapes) and shiraz.
The hosts’ new kitties, hihat and scraps, kept jumping on the table trying to sneak food, so Charlie ate them too.
Who would have imagined baby Charlie would grow up to be a kitty-killing, fat swilling homo?! Look at that punim.
Tags:braised ribs, broccoli gratin, Dumont, gruyer, lambrusco, macaroni and cheese, Market Table, two dinners
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November 30, 2008
Charlie’s excited because Wal-mart is offering great post-Thanksgiving deals on white babies: 1 for $14.43 or 2 for $26.95! Thank jeez for Thanksgiving sales! I wonder what he’s going to make with all that white meat.
Walmart recommends you store your babies in a large freezer to avoid spoilage. Also, set clear simple limits and stick by them, no matter what.
Tags:babies for sale, Black Friday, creme fraiche, sales, shopping, Thanksgiving, Walmart
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November 29, 2008
Charlie loves delicious food combinations, but he also likes to live life on the edge, imagining yucky pucky food combinations that make his mouth pucker like a cat’s anus. Those combos will be the basis for our new feature: Recipes to make your stomach cry!*
- Smoked clam lollipops
- Hair and shrimp ice cream
- Flank steak marinated in shampoo
- Vaginal discharge custard
- Yellow squash and chocolate surprise (the surprise is toenails!)
Add your own!
Charlie’s parents serve many of the recipes above at their steakhouse in Taiwan — it doubles as a restaurant and community bathroom.
* Special “how are you, thanks, let’s do lunch sometime!” to the geniiiii at Steeez.com for inspiring this feature.
Tags:barfarama, Clamato, Modern Toilet, Taiwan, vaginal discharge, Velveeta
Posted in Icky yuk yuk | 3 Comments »
November 29, 2008
Charlie’s planning to go to Market Table in the West Village with his manfriend and his manfriend’s PARENTS. He’s in heaven over the menu: roasted halibut with risotto and carrot emulsion (first-kiss yum); grilled lamb with gouda-potato fondue (open-vodka-bar yum); sauteed skate wing with bacon and shrimp homefries (rich-daddy-take-care-of-all-my-bills-and-give-me-an-hourly-foot-massage YUM!). It’s a veritable smorgasbord of flavor and fat sensations! Hopefully he won’t get sick on his plate out of excitement slash nervousness. CAN’T WAIT FOR THE ACTUAL REPORT.
If a stuffed koala eats pancakes in the woods … and no one’s around … did it really happen?
Tags:gouda fondue, koala, manfriend, Market Table, pancakes, west village
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November 29, 2008
Charlie’s eating three eggs and fake bacon to wash down the pain.
Tags:eggs, fake bacon, late night snacks
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November 28, 2008
After an overdose of foodstuffs from Eating Day (USA), Charlie is taking it easy. He’s eating his staple love dish, ramen noodles with extra garlic and a fancy taleggio from a cheese shoppe in Williamsburg, along with four slices of the all american meat stick: bacon. Greasy! And salt. He’s watching the fantastic four and silver surfer save the planet–Jessica Alba recommends bacon with wine, so Charlie’s also drinking a muscadet. Bon weekend!
If Sir Francis Bacon, catalyst of the scientific revolution, and Sir Jessica Alba, catalyst of the Apocalypse, had a bearded hermaphrodite baby.
Tags:bacon, garlic, jessica alba, muscadet, ramen, super hero food, taleggio
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November 28, 2008
Charlie awoke from his second food induced coma and was air lifted to a spacious studio apartment in Brooklyn where he began “Thanksgiving the Sequel: Fat is an Ugly Word”. There, he scarfed down homemade stuffing, covered with creamy gravy. He also had some string beans, which were forgotten in the oven from last Thanksgiving, to change things up a bit. To top it off, he drank several glasses of fresh vin rouge du Chateau les Vergens while he watched the drama queen of daytime, Tyra interviewing Beyoncé. Congratuloncé!, Charlie, you made it through another Thanksgiving.
Inside every top model in a fat suit is a Charlie Tu.
Tags:beyonce, food coma, gracy, salt, string beans, stuffing, Thanksgiving, tyra banks, vin rouge
Posted in dinner | 2 Comments »
November 28, 2008
The food fiesta in Charlie Tu’s tummy this Thanksgiving has been never ending. He’s still eating!
He began his feast at an italiano americano house beginning with fresh antipasto: anchovies, provolone, olives, salami, and celery with a dash of vinegar and olive oil. and salt. He gobbled up some quiche, very dry, and a pizza rustica, which is italian for meat bread. and salt. He snuck in some peasant cheese too: triple cream brie. To offset the ethnic, he had some fresh lay’s potato chips with creamy onion dip. DEE-LISH! One of his favorites. He then passed out in front of a lesbian who voted for McCain and a Panamanian nanny.
Napping in his high chair.
When he awoke he was at a table surrounded by various american food stuffs. He ate broccoli with loads of garlic and boiled to a brine taste, mushrooms, fresh corn niblets, but no bread carbs. He didn’t have any sweet potatoes but mashed ones, very buttery, and stayed away from turkey cause he’s unconventional–oh, and sausage stuffing, ladies…
Tags:anchoives, brie, broccoli, celery, corn, garlic, mushrooms, onion dip, pizza rustica, potato chips, provolone, quiche, salami, stuffing, Thanksgiving
Posted in dinner | 2 Comments »
November 27, 2008
DEVELOPING: Charlie Tu breaks food record, currently in food coma, details to follow…
Gravy dreams.
Tags:food coma, gravy, Thanksgiving
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November 27, 2008
Happy turksgiving from the chroniclers of all things food at charlietueatsmeat.com! Good luck coming out to your parents!
Tags:gravy, Thanksgiving, turkey
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November 26, 2008
Charlie’s parents were sick, sick people.
Tags:adorable!, bumblee, vomit bucket
Posted in Azn | 1 Comment »
November 26, 2008
Hello hello Internet people!!! Charlie is feasting on the buffet at Whole Foods in Union Square. He’s got two meatballs in marinara sauce, fried tofu, garlic spinach salad with red peppers, and a bottle of Shiraz. The buffet is like the NYC version of The Sizzler he used to go to as a kid, minus the crippling obesity.
It was either salt or Sparks.
Tags:garlic, red wine, Sizzler, spinach, tofu, Whole Foods, why does he never eat at restaurants
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November 26, 2008
Charlie is drinking an Odwalla protein shake to amp up his body for a wicked intense weightlifting routine. If you haven’t seen Charlie at the gym and “in the zone”, you haven’t truly lived.
Charlie has a hard time wearing pants.
Tags:gym, no pants, Odwalla, pants, smoothie
Posted in snack | Leave a Comment »
November 26, 2008
Last night, Charlie enjoyed the new James Bond film with friends and delicious popper fresh popping corn covered in “butter”. Charlie did a little clickety clack on the WORLD WIDE WEB and discovered that movie theater popcorn is delivered in 50 pound bags and cooked up in hydrogenated coconut oil (it congeals at room temperature) and artificial butter flavoring. And the “butter” is actually genetically modified soybean oil flavored with Yellow #5 and diabetes. Shhh, if you listen closely, you can hear the collective groaning of 40 million obese American’s arteries.
Tags:coconut oil, Daniel Craig is totally dreamy, diabetes, popcorn, Quantum of Solace, soybean oil, Yellow #5
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November 26, 2008
Are you friggin’ hungry for something exotic? Well grab yourself some chopsticks and a spoon: Charlie’s got a soup recipe for you! It’s great to serve during Thanksgiving, sweeps week, or whenever the kids go to bed and you start to cry. AmAZN!
First, you’ll need to heat some oil and garlic in a a big stew pot. Stir until golden baby brown. Next, add some cabbage or anything leafy green (houseplants work well) and about a gallon and a half of chicken stock/blood. Bring to a simmer and cook until the sickly odor from the blood and houseplants makes you pass out. After your kitty or puppy licks your face to revive you, club him with a soup ladle, then throw him into the boiling pot along with some salt, shrimp, scallops, soy, salt and white rice wine. Also add salt. Bring to a boil and throw in some noodles. Add salt! Cook until the crying stops and serve. Bon appetito, little Tito!
Auditions for Charlie’s Next Top Soup are competitive.
Tags:blood, cabbage, chinese soup, emo cooking, next top soup, noodles, salt, scallops, scampy, shrimp, soy sauce, white rice wine
Posted in recipe of the day | Leave a Comment »
November 26, 2008
Late in the hours Charlie often gets the hungers. Especially when he drinks fine red wine like Ravenswood Old Vine Zinfandel. He’s slurping down jumbo nama udon with alimentary paste and of course, loads of chopped garlic from Trader Joe’s. All of Brooklyn can smell it. Stinkers. And an oeuf! What’s an oeuf?* An oeuf on your house, Charlie Tu.
Inside every garl-ric clove is Mao’s tears.
* It’s French for egg, dummy!
Tags:brooklyn, communism waits for no noodle, garlic, mao, trader joes, udon
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November 25, 2008
Charlie’s going to be spending Thursday night in the hospital if he eats any of the things you’ve suggested. YAY, let’s make him suffer! You’ve got two more days to vote, but we’ve already got some magical food suggestions for iddle biddle Tu. Some highlights:
- Seared baby panda with Sparks-stuffing
- Sweet potatoes baked in pork fat
- Turkey stuffed with 40 garlic cloves
- Gravy balls dipped in Chile con queso
- Chorizo and cheese stuffed turkey legs
- Ground squirrel meatloaf sprinkled with angel dust
Keep the suggestions flowing at WhatshouldCharlieeatforThanksgiving.com?
Let’s make Charlie vomit!
Tags:pumpkin, Thanksgiving, turkey, vomit
Posted in poll | Leave a Comment »
November 25, 2008
World breathes collective sigh of Who Cares?! Unnamed sources report that Charlie has ended his hunger strike with a peach and blueberry muffin from Così and a cookie that looks like Hello Kitty’s mildly autisticcousin Becky.
(XIE XIE XIE) XIE YOUR BOOTY!
Tags:blueberry, cookie, Cosi, gay dance, Hello Kitty, hunger break, muffin, peach, xie xie dance
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November 25, 2008
Charlie Tu hasn’t eaten anything all day yet. Not even coffee. Agh! Dow plunges, Obama cries; puppies eat kittens.
Tags:emergency, gay alarm, hunger is bad for the economy
Posted in Azn | 1 Comment »
November 25, 2008
Do you often get looks from your Caucasiany friends when you pour soy sauce over potato chips with a pinch of salt? Or find yourself licking salt sticks to pass the time? Enjoy salty saltines? CHARLIE, TOO! Academic types and medicine people will caution you from eating too much salt. It gives you diabetes, it raises your blood pressure, blah blah blah. Pay no attention. White doctors are jealous of your fine porcelain skin and strong cheek bones. Asian genes make us immune to these so-called facts. EAT LOADS OF IT.
Salt as a meal is a wonderfood, a titan on Foodopolis. It kills bacterial infections like the common cold, fevers and chlamydia. And most important, it adds a magical dimension to eating, even in ice cream. Love cheese? Salt builds cheese. Like cakes? Salt is important. Like puppies? Puppies are made of 95% salt. Bon iodine!
Remember how Lot’s wife turned into a pillar of salt as she turned to see Sodom’s destruction? I bet she would taste delicious in a tomato bisque.
Tags:caucasian doctors, cheese, facts, gay, ice cream, lies, pearl cream, puppies, salt, saltines
Posted in food myths | Leave a Comment »
