Charlie was inspired by watching The Beach with young Leonardo DiCaprio (HE’S SO DREAAAMMY!!!!) and ordered Pad See Yew from Thai 101 in Clinton Hill. He went to the same high school as the waiter / phone operator / cook. Isn’t that information you never wished you learned? It was greasy — probably not the best thing for someone who’s been to the bathroom four times in the last couple hours. Charlietueats is killing him.
Whoopi Goldberg, Class of 1974
Is your 401K a 101K? Do you need a loan just to buy a Metrocard? Charlie, too. He can’t afford jim jam! Here’s an easy seafood recipe Charlie whipped up with ingredients he found around his home.
Recession Calamari
Build a fire in the middle of your room. Leftover newspapers make good kindling. Pour oil (nothing fancy, canola will do) into a metal coffee container. Heat over the fire until you hear your neighbors yell, “Goya!” Mix sawdust, chopped grass, salt and pepper in a large bowl. If you don’t have a bowl, your lap will do. Working in small batches, toss calamari into the flour mixture to coat. If you don’t have squid, tie together some rubber bands and dip them in spit. Carefully add the “squid” to the oil and fry until crisp and very pale golden, about 1 minute per batch. Using tongs or a metal wire hanger, transfer the fried “calamari” to a paper-towel lined plate to drain. If your apartment isn’t already on fire, bon appy!
Charlie is thinking about being on Bravo’s newest show, Top Gay. To prepare, he wants to eat nothing but lean meats and veggies. So he’s eating a chicken panino, which is Italian for lovely pressed sandwich, stuffed with avocado, red onion and swiss cheese. For zest it is dressed with black pepper and a vinaigrette. It was surprisingly creamy. Any bacon? YOU BETCHA, Signor Porky! He also accents its flavor sensations with a fancy caffe drink: black coffee.
“All bacon is equal, but some is more equal than others.” – Animal Farm
Charlie appreciates global diversity (he knew the earth was flat way before Thomas Friedman wrote a book about it) and makes a very special effort to reflect that in his cuisine. So this morning, while his friends feasted on McPoultry and McFries, he stuffed his chipmunk cheeks with crab shumai that he microwaved himself. Speaking of which, what’s red and bubbly and scratches at the window? Baby in a microwave! Don’t let that happen to your child: keep your baby out of kitchen appliances and if you have to put him in the microwave, only cook him on low heat.
Cartoon baby says, “I create a big mess when I explode. Wouldn’t you rather use that time to catch up on Gossip Girl instead of cleaning?”
Charlie ate in public tonight, with two queer Englishmen, an Italian from Long Island (eww) and a Jew (yay!). The location: 457 Frankie’s Spuntino (spoon’tîno) in Carroll Gardens. The decor: mid-century barnyard. The food: braised pork shoulder, cheese plate of tallegio, pecorino, and montasio with a gallon and a half of Montepulciano red wine. It’s going to take him more than a couple bicep curls to work off those calories. Thatsalottameatball!
It took four weeks for Charlie to sit for this portrait.
Tyralator: Click-oncé
