Archive for November, 2008
November 24, 2008
Tags:brisket, Chasidim, Cheap Monday, chicken, die yuppie scum, i am yuppie scum, MGMT, Polish sausage, The Edge, Williamsburg
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November 24, 2008
Charlie knows some kids in the music biz so he’s at a private “session” of the indie band We Are Scientists. It’s catered! Freebies and handouts abound in CitiTu. None of these hipsters eat so Charlie’s got plenty. He’s dining on a chopped salad and Pinch! pizza. PIZZA BY THE INCH. heyyy! He had two slices with mushrooms. That boy is insatiable.
In 3rd grade, Charlie brought far too much blow to Penny’s pizza party
Tags:hipsters, hungry pig bottom, meal handouts, mushrooms, pinch pizza, salad, we are scientists
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November 24, 2008
Charlie ‘Citigroup’ Tu was going to get a free lunch for picking up his friend at the airport, but his buddy didn’t need him so oh well. Instead, he’s eating a bagel sandwich a/k/a communist croissant, which is boring. It’s filled with two eggs and cheddar and extra added salt cause it’s bland. He hates mondays like Garfield. Cheer up Comrade!
Garfield and Odie do Samuel Beckett.
Tags:bagel, bailout, cheddar, communism, frenemies, Garfield, nihilism, salt
Posted in lunch | 1 Comment »
November 24, 2008
The biggest eating holiday in the western world is fast approaching and Charlie is stretching his belly so it can accommodate as much food as possible without bursting. And now with the awesome power of THE INTERNET, you can be part of the experience. Take the poll below (also available underneath the search box at right) and make Charlie do your bidding! Hopefully, he won’t die!
Tags:gastric rupture, Thanksgiving
Posted in poll | 2 Comments »
November 23, 2008
Charlie was inspired by watching The Beach with young Leonardo DiCaprio (HE’S SO DREAAAMMY!!!!) and ordered Pad See Yew from Thai 101 in Clinton Hill. He went to the same high school as the waiter / phone operator / cook. Isn’t that information you never wished you learned? It was greasy — probably not the best thing for someone who’s been to the bathroom four times in the last couple hours. Charlietueats is killing him.
Whoopi Goldberg, Class of 1974
Tags:gay, Leonardo DiCaprio, pad see yew, Thai, Thai 101, The Beach, Whoopi Goldberg
Posted in dinner | 1 Comment »
November 23, 2008
Is your 401K a 101K? Do you need a loan just to buy a Metrocard? Charlie, too. He can’t afford jim jam! Here’s an easy seafood recipe Charlie whipped up with ingredients he found around his home.
Recession Calamari
Build a fire in the middle of your room. Leftover newspapers make good kindling. Pour oil (nothing fancy, canola will do) into a metal coffee container. Heat over the fire until you hear your neighbors yell, “Goya!” Mix sawdust, chopped grass, salt and pepper in a large bowl. If you don’t have a bowl, your lap will do. Working in small batches, toss calamari into the flour mixture to coat. If you don’t have squid, tie together some rubber bands and dip them in spit. Carefully add the “squid” to the oil and fry until crisp and very pale golden, about 1 minute per batch. Using tongs or a metal wire hanger, transfer the fried “calamari” to a paper-towel lined plate to drain. If your apartment isn’t already on fire, bon appy!
Tags:401K, apartment fire, calamari, camp, canola oil, gay squid, Goya, Metrocard, recession, sawdust
Posted in recipe of the day | 2 Comments »
November 23, 2008
Charlie is thinking about being on Bravo’s newest show, Top Gay. To prepare, he wants to eat nothing but lean meats and veggies. So he’s eating a chicken panino, which is Italian for lovely pressed sandwich, stuffed with avocado, red onion and swiss cheese. For zest it is dressed with black pepper and a vinaigrette. It was surprisingly creamy. Any bacon? YOU BETCHA, Signor Porky! He also accents its flavor sensations with a fancy caffe drink: black coffee.
“All bacon is equal, but some is more equal than others.” – Animal Farm
Tags:avocado, bacon, black pepper, chicken, flavor sensations, gay, panini, red onion, swiss cheese, vegetables, vinaigrette
Posted in lunch | Leave a Comment »
November 23, 2008
Charlie appreciates global diversity (he knew the earth was flat way before Thomas Friedman wrote a book about it) and makes a very special effort to reflect that in his cuisine. So this morning, while his friends feasted on McPoultry and McFries, he stuffed his chipmunk cheeks with crab shumai that he microwaved himself. Speaking of which, what’s red and bubbly and scratches at the window? Baby in a microwave! Don’t let that happen to your child: keep your baby out of kitchen appliances and if you have to put him in the microwave, only cook him on low heat.
Cartoon baby says, “I create a big mess when I explode. Wouldn’t you rather use that time to catch up on Gossip Girl instead of cleaning?”
Tags:dumplings, gay baby, messes you hire a maid to clean up, microwave, shumai
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November 23, 2008
Charlie ate in public tonight, with two queer Englishmen, an Italian from Long Island (eww) and a Jew (yay!). The location: 457 Frankie’s Spuntino (spoon’tîno) in Carroll Gardens. The decor: mid-century barnyard. The food: braised pork shoulder, cheese plate of tallegio, pecorino, and montasio with a gallon and a half of Montepulciano red wine. It’s going to take him more than a couple bicep curls to work off those calories. Thatsalottameatball!
It took four weeks for Charlie to sit for this portrait.
Tags:brooklyn, carroll gardens, cheese, frankie spuntino, gay poofs, meatballs, pecorino, Pork shoulder, red wine, tallegio
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November 22, 2008
Posted in poll | 1 Comment »
November 22, 2008
It’s true! It’s like the fourth estate. Or whatever. Charlie’s having a large coffee with half a roast chicken and rosemary potatoes. The chicken is meh but the potatoes, he’s lovin’ it. He wishes they were seasoned with dill; they weren’t zesty enough.
Get your baby started early on caffeine. It’ll stunt their growth and save you lots of money on clothes.
Tags:chicken, choice market, dill, potato, rosemary, Suri Cruise
Posted in lunch | 2 Comments »
November 22, 2008
(whisper) Charlie doesn’t like to talk about it but he eats a lot of McDonald’s. It’s 5:30 a.m. and he’s inhaling a 10-piece Chicken McNuggets and some fries. Don’t tell or we’ll sic Jeff Gillooly on you.
Pomeranian puppies give McDonald’s nuggets that extra zip of flavor.
Tags:chicken nugget, lonely people with dogs as children, McDonald's, Pomeranian
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November 22, 2008
The gremlin in Charlie’s tummy went wild last night. Charlie was at a party at a friend’s apartment and when he learned that the roommate was a chef, Charlie decided to make an omelet. With sauteed garlic. And pecorino cheese. And $4,500 in TRUFFLE OIL. Charlie knows what he learned from Gordon Ramsay: the key to good food is someone else’s good ingredients.
Cookie Monster says, “When they finally strike down Prop 8, I’m going to marry this fruit.”
Tags:fruit, gay, Gordon Ramsay, gremlin, omelet, pecorino, Prop 8, stealing, truffle oil
Posted in snack | 1 Comment »
November 22, 2008
Dear mom and dad, gay camp sure is fun! Tonight it was my friend’s birthday and they served cut Kettle chips salt and black pepper flavor. And the counselor sneaked in whiskey into my bunk. He’s giving me a backrub now so I should probably get going. Love not drugs, Charlie
Tags:gay camp, is it abuse if you want it, kettle chips, repressed memories, whiskey
Posted in snack | 1 Comment »
November 21, 2008
BIG NEWS EVERYBODY! Charlie had buffalo wings! But they were too spicy for the Xie Xie princess! And nachos, but they were terrible like the Cosby Show after Olivia joined.
Raven says, “I ruined television!”
Posted in dinner | 2 Comments »
November 21, 2008
Hey Socrates, if a man has his first meal of the day in the afternoon is it still considered breakfast? Hmm, hmm, quite puzzling! Whatever, you Grecian poof. Charlie has it her way. He’s eating one of his favorite dishes: organic garlic pepper ramen with sesame oil and chopped garlic, just for kicks.
Baby Charlie’s baptism.
Tags:garlic, Nomenclature Dilemma, pepper, ramen, sesame oil
Posted in lunch | 1 Comment »
November 21, 2008
Charlie saw something terrible last night. A man on stage at a very popular dance party on New York City’s Manhattan Island took many of his clothes off and starting gyrating in a lewd manner. He gyrated to the left. He gyrated to the right. Forward. Backward. One 360 degree rotation wasn’t enough. He kept doing it! Then, he used a thermometer to check his temperature in front of hordes of flashing cameras. FYI, he didn’t put the thermometer in his mouth. It made Charlie feel sick and excited, so he drank several glasses of BEER / WINE SPRITZER / COCKTAIL OF YOUR CHOICE. Later he wanted to vomit. Whatever happened to civilized conversation WITH YOUR CLOTHES ON, PEOPLE!
Useful cooking tip: Make sure you stick the thermometer deep into the side of the roast, not in your anus.
Tags:anus, cocktail, decline of civilizations, Emeril Lagasse, Fabio, is this what this world is coming to, pantsless wonder, pukey puke, roast, shame and disrepute
Posted in Azn | 1 Comment »
November 21, 2008
Before Chuckles McfancyPants tucks himself into bed after a night out on the town, he needs a late-night snack. He’s eating left-over garlic rice and a salad with a dressing made of garlic, olive oil and mustard stirred together. As you stir in the apple cider vinegar very rapidly, it EMULSIFIES, not unlike slaughtering a turkey, right Lady Palin?
No meat tonight. Charlie Tu had pepperoni earlier; he’s trying to be more responsible. IT’S A DILEMMA.
PBS late night snack.
P.S He poured too much apple cider vinegar in his salad. I can tell. Can you?
Tags:dressing, garlic, mr. black, mustard, olive oil, Omnivore's Dilemma, rice, salad, sarah palin
Posted in snack | 1 Comment »
November 20, 2008
Yummy, yummy, yummy, Charlie Tu’s got lovin’ in his tummy! He’s eating pizza to kill it. with pepperoni, too! To wash it down, he’s drinking a glass of sparkling Bordeaux, many glasses of Bordeaux. Times are tough.
Hello Kitty spreads her love drops to season the pizza pie.
Tags:bordeaux, pepperoni, pizza
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You try putting jeans and a yamacha on a chicken using Microsoft Word!
