Archive for November, 2008
November 20, 2008
Charlie is drinking a glass of Primitivo and watching the market implode on CNBC. Did you know that the Primitivo grape is dark red with bold and fruity flavors? Did you know that it is considered the father of the Zinfandel grape, which is now so popular in California? Did you know that because the market is at its lowest point since 1997, we have entered a time warp and are beginning to age backwards? Did you know that at a Blood Alcohol Level of 0.30 you can lose control of your bladder and even die? STOP DRINKING CHARLIE! DON’T END IT THIS WAY!!!!!
(Sad voice) “I can’t take it any more Charlie”
Tags:adult diapers, cirhossis, Dow, financial meltdown, Primitivo, red wine, Ronny Milsap
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November 20, 2008
Hello Sirs! Along with getting tagged on Facebook, nothing pleases Charlie Tu more than GARLIC. He loves it! He is eating scrambled eggs, 4 of them, with garlic, LOADS OF IT, along with an iced coffee.
Charlie says, “Garlic makes me smile.” Also: “I never learned to read.”
Tags:garlic, iced coffee, scrambled eggs
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November 20, 2008
Last night at about midnight, Chuckles ate a half-eaten roast chicken from Choice Market in Clinton Hill and some Cape Cod salted potato chips. Scavenging: not just for hobos anymore!
Tags:chicken, choice market, clinton hill, potato chips, salt
Posted in snack | 1 Comment »
November 19, 2008
Charlie’s now onto his second dinner: 3/4 pounds of cold tuna salad, with dill and green peppers. He got that cold mess from the same Korean deli in Union Square he always goes to — it’s $2.99 a pound after 7 p.m. Charlie needs to save money now that he heard that the state of New York owes canine Donald Trump $4 trillion. Thrifty is nifty!
Labradonald Trump says: “Give me my money, Rosie! Or I’ll bite your nuts off!”
Tags:canine tycoons, dill, Donald Trump, green peppers, thrifty, tuna salad, Union Square deli
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November 19, 2008
What a day! Charlie’s exhausted from studying all afternoon. He’s watching Keith Olbermann and eating the rest of his Subway sandwich. He’s also eating a vegetable medley with cauliflower, broccoli, sliced red onions and feta cheese, dressed with the marinade that they keep the mushrooms in. He just swiped a fry from a friend!
Tags:broccoli, cauliflower, feta cheese, french fries, Keith Olberman, marinade, red onion, sneaky bastard, Subway
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November 19, 2008
Living on a student budget is tough. So in addition to eating his friends’ food, Charlie likes to eat cheap at Subway, where footlong subs are $5. Charlie is eating one right now with extruded chicken parts formed into a patty, green peppers, extra onions, olives, pickles, salt and pepper on an Italian herbs and cheese roll. Fun facts: he didn’t order cheese or mayo because he’s trying to cut calories; the “chicken” wasn’t totally warmed up; he got a student discount.
Remember when Subway stores had old timey maps of the New York subway on their walls? Jesus chicken does.
Tags:chicken, gender confusion, green peppers, olives, onions, pepper, pickles, salt, Subway
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November 19, 2008
It’s 4 o’clock and Charlie has hardly eaten anything all day because he’s been studying away at the library like a good boy. He’s SOOOOO HUNGRY! What should he have for dinner?
This post is derivative and puerile. Plus, I’m pretty sure that the guinea pig in that picture is dead.
Tags:gay guinea pig, hungry, wiener
Posted in Azn | 1 Comment »
November 19, 2008
Charlie drove his friends to the airport this morning. As a reward for his good deed, he took a trip to his favorite noodle cart in chinatown to buy rice noodles with peanut and soy sauce. He’s eating in the car because it’s too cold outside. BRRRR! There are shredded carrots and onions in it. Delicious and one of his favorites.
Don’t forget to thank god for China.
Tags:carrots, noodles, onions, peanut sauce, soy sauce
Posted in lunch | 3 Comments »
November 19, 2008
Late nights for Charlie include studying and playing xbox360 (natch). To concentrate on blowing up the bad guys, he drank two 12 ounce Coors light (thin!). To top off his wins he then had a glass of whiskey on the rocks (two ice cubes).
Later at 130AM, he “found” some leftover jasmine rice in the fridge, and sauteed it in garlic, butter, olive oil and salt for a satisfying treat. He thought about drinking a diet coke but chose not to because he didn’t want to interrupt his beauty sleep.
Digital Toxicity
Tags:beer, butter, diet coke, garlic, how to get fat, jasmine rice, olive oil, salt, whiskey, xbox
Posted in snack | 1 Comment »
November 18, 2008
Today’s news that customers can order Domino’s pizza through their Tivos has Charlie dreaming about the wonderful possibilities of food on demand. Just thinking of the 9-course tasting menu from Thomas Keller that he can order without getting up from the couch has Charlie salivating.
Now Charlie can get even fatter and lazier without leaving the comfort of his home.
Tags:delicious virtual Mcnuggets, food on demand, technology, Tivo
Posted in Azn | 1 Comment »
November 18, 2008
Charlie is at Verb Cafe in Williamsburg having a cup of coffee that tastes spicy for some reason. He’s nibbling on a cinnamon raisin bagel with no butter or cream cheese. Ick. Charlie scored a 5 on his arithmetic AP test in high school so he knows that red pepper plus coffee turns him into a fiery baby pokemon!
Tags:coffee, gay bagel, mysterious spice, Williamsburg
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November 18, 2008
these are hard times on the economy but that won’t stop charlie tu from getting his sweet fix. he spent 3 US dollars (~20 Yuan!) on a rice krispie treat in the west village. it’s delicious but way too buttery for his delicate AZN palate.
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Charlie tu as a kid performing his first smash hit, ‘ain’t no krispie treat sweet enuff!’
Tags:rice krispie treat, west village
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November 18, 2008
charlie tu needs a sweet treat to counter the grease from his USA burger so he’s having a malibu flavored starburst: he likes the chemical citrus taste of them. it’s sort of creepy. are you scared for him?
in each one of charlie tu's teeth lives a fairy waiting to be saved
Tags:starburst, tooth fairy
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November 18, 2008
charlie tu is eating a burger with aged cheddar, cooked medium, with a sesame bun from Market Table in the West Village. It has extra raw red onions and sliced pickles. He’s eating fries dipped in mayo, and washing it all down with a large hot coffee. Very all American, very patriotic!
Tip of the Day: Sticking an American flag into your food before you eat is a creative way to say, "USA A-Okay!"
Tags:burger, cheddar, coffee, french fries, mayonnaise, pickles, red onions
Posted in lunch | 1 Comment »
November 18, 2008
Charlie Tu is refreshing his antioxidant levels and boosting the fat-burning capacity of all five of his major organs with a hot cup of trader joe’s green tea. Oprah says that even her most obese viewers can lose 10 pounds in six weeks if they drink green tea instead of chocolate milkshakes. White men who adopt Asian babies can be healthy and culturally “with it” by toting their kids around in a green tea snuggly from J. Crew.
Made of pressed tea leaves and dyed with the sins of imperialism.
Tags:Charlie was cute as a baby, cultural imperialism, diet tricks, green tea, Oprah, snuggly, weight loss
Posted in drink | 1 Comment »
November 17, 2008
Charlie is now digesting two and half pounds of food. He is slumped over on the couch watching Gordon Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares under an electric blanket and moaning. Bless.
Kibble makes the best pillows.
Tags:binging, gastric rupture, Gordon Ramsay, puppy pile
Posted in dinner | 2 Comments »
November 17, 2008
Charlie Tu began his evening meal with an amuse bouche of bermuda onion slices and a couple of lukewarm square-cut french fries. Wakey wakey mouth! Next, he ate steamed cauliflower, broccoli, snow peas, onions under a blanket of opaque green curry from his favorite Union Square deli, the Big Bagel Store. On the side he had a dollop of Helmann’s mayonnaise, to cut the tangy flavor of the curry. For dessert, Charlie had 1.25 pounds of cold chicken salad, with green and red peppers and some marinated mushrooms.
Two and a half pounds of food and Charlie is still up and kicking. What a champ!
Of course it’s baby lettuce! Did you even have to ask?!
Tags:binging, chicken salad, curry, do babies taste as good as they look, french fries, green peppers, mayonnaise, mushrooms, obscene amounts of food, onions, red peppers
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November 17, 2008
mondays are for salads and staying thin. charlie is eating garlic rice and a salad dressed with mustard olive oil & apple cider vinegar. To stay warm he is drinking lukewarm coffee. brisk!
My daddy was a rottweiler and my mama was a vase.
Tags:apple cider vinegar, olive oil, rice, salad, when ceramics and canines mate
Posted in lunch | 3 Comments »
November 17, 2008
Charlie tu was using a toothpick treated with tea tree oil to clean his teeth, then touched his eye with THE SAME HAND that was holding the toothpick, and he WENT BLIND for almost a second.
A warning to other fastidious eaters with hippie tendencies: DO NOT TOUCH YOUR TEA TREE OIL HAND TO YOUR GENERAL EYEBALL AREA OR YOU WILL GO BLIND AND OR NEVER SEE AGAIN.
Mr. Willingham from payroll touched his hippie hand to his left eye and he is now fully blind in that eye at night.
Tags:blindness, Charlietueats.com can save your life, food injuries, gay pirates, hazardous cleaning
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November 17, 2008
Charlie tu is eating curry goat and vegetables with jerk chicken from The Islands, a Caribbean restaurant in brooklyn. Its spicy climax is making him sweat!
Jerking the goat never felt so good.
Tags:curry goat, jerk chicken, vegetables
Posted in dinner | 3 Comments »
(Sad voice) “I can’t take it any more Charlie” 
