What is hard and pointy and smells like gasoline and rotting corpses? Not Charlie, silly! It’s a durian! Charlie’s eating one right now, and the wet fruitmeat inside totally looks like a fetal puppy which is very sad-making. SLURPY SLURPY SLOO, down the hatch goes puppy number two!
Charlie lost his virginity to a durian when he was 15.
Charlie Tu attracts the ladies and the mens. If he isn’t smelling like used gym shorts, he’s all grilled meats. Which is why he’s all agog over the newest homme du toilet: BEEF MIST from Burger King.
Just put a dab under your arms and BAM: you’ll be fighting off the admirers like you’re the Barberini Faun.
Did you hear about the weather in Mexico?
Chili today, hot tamale!
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it!
Now that we’ve got your attention: BIG NEWS! CharlieTuEats.com was nominated for BEST BLOG OF ALL TIME. Please add your vote by clicking on the link below, and you’ll be entered to win a custom ringtone from Charlie Tu (if you’re boring or not cute, you’ll get a standard email form letter). Thanks in advance for Nothing!
OH SHIZZNITZ KIDS! The Moral Majority has won another battle in the war against fun: SPARKS IS GOING TO BE CANCELLED!
Charlie LOVES sparks. he’ll skip dinner two nights in a row just so he can afford to buy four sugar-free sparks on a friday night. then he’ll be up for like 26 hours straight clawing at his face until it scabs over.
Babies love sparks. In a taste test conducted just now in my head, 4 out of 5 babies preferred sparks over mothers’ milk. It makes them grow big and strong and have magic powers like shaking really fast and foaming at the mouth.
Dogs love sparks. Charlie gave some to his labradoodlenoodlepoodle mix and he started talking. Sparks makes dogs talk!
OOOH, Charlie is so angry right now he could spit fire out of his eyes. Maybe if enough of you write a letter to MillerCoors complaining how your eyesight and babies and magic dog powers will go away if they stop making sparks, they’ll cancel the canceling! Or join the Save Sparks group on Facebook and make an online statement that no one will ever read except other lonely drunks!
And if that doesn’t work, just mix some Colt 45 with Red Bull and gasoline and you’ve got your own homemade Sparks. You can store it in a 2-liter! DON’T EXPOSE IT TO AIR, OR YOU COULD CRACK THE EARTH TO ITS CORE!
A world without Sparks. Charlie’s the one on all fours in the lower right hand corner being raped by a knife.
Charlie donated a pup named köttbulle to Bill Clinton’s Global Initiative in exchange for access to the Congressional all-you-can-eat buffet.
Charlie’s at the cupcake-eria and he is sitting next to a largeish man who smells like rotten cheese and who keeps sucking his fingers to get every last bit of chocolate. Charlie says it’s horrific but secretly, he’s enjoying it (maybe this is the source of his rerexion?).
The sky is green. Charlie stops eating. Puppies licks kitties.
Tyralator: Click-oncé
