Charlie Tu believes these items will be hot in 2009!1
French Bulldogs: small enough to bring into M2M
California Style Garlic Salt: Who has the time to buy both?
FACEBOOK Groups for Foods You Eat When Drunk
Guide Ponies on Bedford Avenue.
Archive for December, 2008
TU items in 2009
December 31, 2008TU-009 Beauty Secrets
December 31, 2008Forget that face lift. Pearl Cream it.
Your New Year’s Kiss
December 31, 2008I wonder who Charlie’s New Year’s Kiss will be. I hope he’ll be singing this song tomorrow morning!
This was never the way I planned
Not my intention
I got so brave, drink in hand
Lost my discretion
It’s not what, I’m used to
Just wanna try you on
I’m curious for you
Caught my attention
I kissed a squirrel and I liked it
The taste of its furry squirrel lips
I kissed a squirrel just to try it
I hope i don’t get rabies
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Don’t mean I’m in love tonight
I kissed a squirrel and I liked it
I liked it
D00d likes eggs
December 30, 2008Charlie can’t decide what to eat or wear today. He’s chosen Nature’s protein pebble yet again, eggs. This time they’re fried and salted, with some pepper. He still cant get on his clothes though. Help!
L8 night eats
December 30, 2008Charlie is exhausted from a night of karaokeing at Sugarland in 11211. To recover, he’s eating scrambled eggs with garlic and mushrooms and is lost in memories of The Best Little Whore House in Texas. Dolly forevs.
Nothing Fancy
December 29, 2008Charlie’s eating modest this evening. Nothing fancy, just some chicken Parm, from Fiore in 11211. He’s also watching Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations and learning about Hawaiian dishes made with Spam. And yes, he’d eat it. Oh yes. HE’D EAT IT.
In Charlie’s Spam world, there is no Middel East. He’d eat it.
Chaatu’s ramen
December 28, 2008Charlie’s caught the sci-fi bug ever since he watched The Day the Earth Stood Still for Change. He’s re-re-re-watching the Matrix with Keanu Charles Reeves and eating his fav dish ramen with garlic, mushrooms, and sess-ame oil. To sop up the moistness he’s eating a fresh Indian veggie samosa. Zesta-doori!
I Just Want To Eat Him Up
December 28, 2008Why can’t Charlie get tucked in like this?
Maybe I Shouldnt Dip Steak In Mayo
December 28, 2008With the holiday season comes delicious foods and at times, heartburn. Charlie ba-runched with his ole pal from the isle of criminals, Australia, in Greenpoint at Brooklyn Label. He had a traditional man’s masculine meal of steak, eggs, hash browns and some salt. It went down hard and is now burning his tender heart. He desperately needs some tums for his tum.
Happy Multidenominational Holidays!
December 26, 2008
When Jeebus attacks
December 25, 2008Charlie’s drinking a muscadet to celebrate the birth of Jeebs and it’s del — OMG, the wine just turned into water.
Jesus is coming, and HE IS PISSED!
Charlie Tu Eggnogs
December 25, 2008Hey Team Jesus, it’s your day! Charlie wanted to celebrate with his favorite seasonal beverage: Schnoggnog! Schnoggnog’s like eggnog, but instead of normal eggs, use egg beaters, and instead of bourbon, use crystal meth! Don’t forget to reserve your hospital bed in advance!
XOXO,
Gossip Girl
This crystal meth Christmas Tree is worth 5.9 million dollars.
A Special Holiday Message From Charlie Tu Eats
December 24, 2008
Charlie Does Seinfeld Does Mamet
December 23, 2008What’s the deal with those butter cookies that come in tins that you only see around Christmas time? How old are they really? I mean REALLY?
REALLY?!?!
Charlie sexually harassed those cookies.
Charlie Tu Is No One’s Hero
December 23, 2008Today, we posted a correction to a post from yesterday. We regret to inform you that the correction contained inaccurate information. We did not “got distracted by Heroes”. Heroes’ “Villains” story arc completed on December 15 in a rousing ode to freedom, and did not air on Monday. Instead, we read Time Out magazine quietly on the couch and got shushed for making too much noise and for watching Rachel Maddow too loud on MSNBC.
We regret the errors.
Le Shock!
December 23, 2008Yesterday, CharlieTuEats posted a bloggy exhaustingly cataloguing a dinner at Chestnut titled Fill me up, fill me up. This post was very false. Charlie Tu did not eat this meal and has never eaten, nor likely every will eat, a tasting menu at this restaurant. It should not have been blogged.
Doing so violated both our loose standards and our skillz in publishing actual dining experiences of Charlie Tu. We have already expressed our regrets to Charlie Tu and we are now doing the same to you, our readers.
The post, like most posts these days, arrived by Hello Kitty herself. It is Charlie Tu Eats procedure to verify the authenticity of every nibbly. In this case, Charlie Tu Eats sent an edited version of the letter to the sender of the email and did not hear back. At that point, we should have contacted Hello Kitty’s office to verify that she (he?) had, in fact, written to us.
We did not do that. (We got distracted by Heroes.) Without that verification, the bloggy should never have been printed. We are reviewing our procedures for verifying Hello Kitty’s reports to avoid such an incident in the future. Bon appy!
Fill Me Up, Fill Me Up
December 22, 2008Editor’s Note: Since the original publication, it has come to the attention of this publication that the meal described herein was not eaten by Charlie Tu. Rather, it was eaten by two of his taste buddies, SchnufflesAlphonse and Gambypants. We regret the error.
Charlie just finished a 12-course tasting menu at Chestnut in Carroll Gardens, and he is ready to cry, spit, vomit and raise his glass to the gods of earthly cuisine. If pleased was a city, Charlie would be its mayor. Though his brain is confit-ed in duck fat, he is thrilling at the meal:
1. Endive with Asian pears, pomegranate seeds and candied walnuts topped with English cheddar shaved into a flower
2. Sauteed celery greens with deep fried soft poached egg and crispy duck skin
3. Pan-seared gnocchi with some mild green leaf and oyster mushrooms
4. Calarami stuffed with quinoa and shrimp wrapped in deep fried shoestring potato
5. Butternut squash ravioli with pumpkin and poppy seeds
6. Seafood chowder served in an oyster shell on a bed of salt — lobster, monkfish, clams and mussels in a cream broth
7. Wild sea bass with crispy skin on a slice of kuri (it’s squash)
8. Hangar steak with red wine reduction and fingerling potatoes in Spanish blue cheese
9. Pappardelle with oxtail sauce
10. Croque monsieur on a stick
11. Foie gras on a crostini
12. Chocolate pudding with peanut butter marzipan and sea salt
Burt Reynolds — now, that’s a feast Charlie could live with.
Our Readers Love Naughty Vampires And Fat Dogs
December 22, 2008Charlie Tu is just bubbling with pride from the millions of readers from around the world who read this site each day.* Lots of traffic comes from Facebook or from readers’ bookmarks, but a whole load of people find the site from search. Here are some of Charlie’s favorites**:
1 person searched for “bear eating a dead foot” (ew)
1 searched for “koala pancake” (cute!)
2 searched for “chicken eats a baby” (a visit to Planned Parenthood seems easier)
2 searched for “2 puppies eating gravy” (two people?!)
2 searched for “worldwide friends” (aww, that’s sweet)
2 searched for “stomach rupture” (Charlie’s worst nightmare)
4 searched for “naughty vampire” (she’s missing a boot)
4 searched for “fat pomeranian” or “fat pomeranians” (Charlie’s absolutest favorite thing in the whole wide wonderworld)
And providing that most of you are lonely perverts …
11 searched for “Dudevu” and 12 searched for “asian babies”
OMG, Fat Asian baby pomeranian vampires eating pancakes is going to drive so much traffic to the site!
* “Millions” means “five” in Urdu
** Shockingly, these are real
A Very Charlie Christmas
December 22, 2008It’s negative zero degrees outside and Charlie is too cold to eat. If he were a little snowman, he’d have a corncob pipe, a button nose, and two eyes made out of jelly donuts.
Charlie the Snowman
was a jolly happy guy
with a blue tanktop and some skinny jeans
and two eyes made out of pie
Charlie the Snowman
was a faerie queen they say
He was made of snow
But the gay boys know
How he came to life one day
There must have been some crystal
In that old Sparks can they found
For when they poured it down his throat
He began to dance around
Charlie the Snowman
Was alive as he could be
And the gay boys say
He could swish and sway
Just the same as you and me
Charlie the Snowman
Knew the drinks were cheap that night
So he said let’s run
And we’ll have some fun
Now before I’m hauled away
Humpety hump hump
Humpety hump hump
Look at Charlie go
Humpety hump hump
Humpety hump hump
Over the hills of blow
This post ruined my childhood.
Food Myth #3: Eating 33,000 Calories A Day Makes You Fat
December 21, 2008Charlie just watched a “documentary” on TLC about a 800-pound woman who eats 33,000 calories a day and had to clear up the ugly lies that TLC and the weight-loss industrial complex have been spreading: She isn’t 800 pounds because she eats 33,000 calories a day. She’s 800 pounds because she’s straight. It’s a fact: check it. Have you ever seen an 800 pound lesbian? EXACTLY! Lesbians don’t gain weight. Gay homosexual males who do it with dudes don’t gain weight either. In fact, Charlie Tu eats almost twice that (if you count the calories in New York City air) and he’s totally slim like a Bel Ami model
So if you’re a lady and you’re concerned about gaining weight, put down that Jenny Craig fitness bar and pick up a vagina! And if you’re a dude and you’re getting a little chunky around your mid-section, grab a pizza and a penis and get to chowing!
Take it from Charlie: lose weight by eating constantly and doing it with dudes.
