Last night Charlie was a little leery about eating after the rotten eggs incident, but he still found room for a homecooked meal from his favorite daddy figure , Scnhufflesalphonse. It was simple fare, peasant food, fresh from the ground and straight to the soul: butter lettuce dressed with a french mustard vinaigrette (the secret is champagne vinegar) and fresh pasta with a light tomato and sausage sauce (a modified, healthier bolognese recipe — it would have been mad fresh with some black olives and broccoli rabe but most of the produce in the fridge was wilting / rotten and Charlie’d already had a close brush with Salmonella that day).
Whenever Charlie feels lonely, he pays this man Gerald who lives up in Washington Heights to hold him gently as he falls to sleep. Also, penises were involved.
Charlie Tu’s noggin has issued a dire warning urging him to halt the violence on his tummy: Eating three Deli eggs for $1.50 was a foodie crime and has only induced a stomachache. His lunch of scrambled eggs were believed to be completely rotten, and it feels as if they’ve begun to grow a new homeland in his belly. Will his tummy relent? To ease the pain, he had some pretzels, too. Oy, the horror!
We can only hope these detainees at Gitmo’ get their day in court.
Charlie is getting super excited about the Inauguration — no, not because he likes Obama (he voted for the Lizard People) — because he wants to EAT THE ENTIRE INAUGURAL BUFFET. omg guys, do you know what they’re having for the Senate luncheon? Charlie is peeing in his pants he’s so excited. GET HIM A TICKET NOW!
The 2009 Barack Obama Inauguration Dinner: In Praise of the New Austerity.
D00ds, Charlie Tu has totally rot his brains with all this Starbucks coffee. He can hardly sit still. He’s already accidentally used his myspace password at an ATM machine, dialed his ATM number to Twitter thrice, and joined friendster. EEEK! Get a grip, Tu.
Charlie Tu has channeled his inner Jersey girl and used his Starbucks corporate account gift card to purchase a roasted turkey sandwich with cranberries. He forgot how much he detests cranberries with turkey. It’s, like, the most disgusting thing ever – but at least he didn’t pay for it. He also had it with a grande!! coffee which was really strong and is still buzzing. But, like, he totally maxed out the card! Poo. Afterwards, he’s going to poke Miley Cyrus and myspace the Powerpuff Girls Z.
Hyper Blossom’s Senate confirmation hearing for Sec. of Blogosphere starts this Friday.
Charlie got up early this morning to check his facebook status. It should read, I’m a little thief! He slept at his buddies buddy’s place and then secretly took one of his fruity yogurts from the friend’s collection of snacks. For shame, Red Panda. A pox on your digestive track.
After his radical gay agenda meeting to overthrow the government, Charlie went to Kun Jip in Koreatown for some purple rice, Kim Chi Pa Jun, and dewishuss beef broth. The businessman sitting next to him got so drunk (he had a bottle of Johnny Walker Black Label on his table) that he grabbed the waitress’s boob as he stumbled towards the cash register. Adorable!
What you can’t see in the photo is Charlie giving the man on the bench a BJ.
Last night, Charlie got all up in “The Man’s” business at a LGBTY3 radical faerie prog rockers for Christ meeting. As an accompaniment to his activism, he snacked on some shrimp-flavored Cheetos and some very tiny sour yogurt drinks which he promptly compared to an acid bath for his tongue.
Charlie’s making the world a better place. What are you doing: shopping for freedom? Charlie hates you.
All morning in the coffee shop
They talked about the cupcakes.
Squatted down between the rows
of cakes and pies.
Charlie heard the barista say
we should spit on all them.
Fat flies buzzed, cockroaches scuttled
And the taste of Charlie’s
coffee turned thick and sour.
The barista said slowly, ‘I could tell them
the dishwasher did it,
who’d believe him?
He’s an immigrant.’
It’s the dawning of a new era for Charlie Egghead Tu and the end of another for our country’s non-Eggheady Child Prince, George W. Bush. Charlie’s off to another semestre at University and to get his thought synapses firing anew, he’s packed his usual bagel with some eggs and fancy provolone. He’ll need to be extra sharp as he matches wits over public policy with his new hero, Fred Hochberg.
The Bagel Lobby pushed a number of notable import-export intiatives in Bush’s 2nd term.
Charlie’s chilling like a Zima on ice at a party on the Lower East Side. He made a joke that made 1 person laugh, so his quota for the night is filled. He’s celebrating with red wine, spinach dip, crackers and cheese. What a gourmette!
Back in the 1950s, Charlie-brand frozen peas fed a nation of hungry, closeted teenagers.
It’s Saturday night, and Senor Tu-quito is meeting his best friends Juanita, Benito y Taco Gordo at Momofuku Noodle Bar in the East Village. Charlie’s a dirty pig bottom so naturally, he ordered the pork ramen with succulent P-belly and shredded pig meat. For pre-ramen snack, he filled his lower mouth and throat with veggies hand-pickled by the hunky Momofuku staff. Here’s a poem Charlie wrote about his meal:
Fill me up
sweet pickles
you
Fill me up
with your
sour taste
and bitter
memories
Fill me up
I’m hungry
for you
Sweet sweet
pickles
Mmmmmm
Charlie takes care of his pork before he eats them.
So this is the last weekend that Sparks will be available to liberal arts educated white 20 somethings who majored in ironic and disinterested. What better way to celebrate the best altbro juice that there ever was, then with a special Charlie Tu Eats recipe. It’s easy and you don’t even need to be a functioning white dude to “get it”.
All you need: One can of Sparks and Chips ahoy cookies (Double Stuf Oreo is fine, too)+woah. Dip, and stare. Repeat.
It’s a shame he never talked to Cindi that night. She liked him.
Charlie Tu not only EATS but he also cooks. Yeah. Really. He Cooks! For dinner he gathered ingredients together from an artisanal White person’s market, Whole Foods, and made Baked Garlic Parmesan Chicken consisting of ‘organic’ chicken breasts, bread crumbs, black pepper; garlic; and Parmesan cheese. That’s right. He baked it in one of those oven machines. It was a symphony of flavors, truly an Eats du Charlie meal. He accented this dish with a couple of glasses of Macon – Villages dry white wine, while his man-friend put together a salad made of mixed greens, walnuts, feta cheese and Steeez dressing. Very Thomas Keller. Simply 11222.
Later, he eventually passed out in front of the latest episode of Top Chef and tagging du Facebook. What a night.
With the current economic forecast, you probably can’t weather the expenses of most restaurants in New York. Charlie Tu sure can’t. He eats poo! So while you wait for that bailout from Comrade Obama, you may want to take advantage of one of Charlie’s most favorite times of year: RESTAURANT WEEK. HIZZAH!!1
Frank Bruni may even be your waiter.
Stay tuned: Oh, the places Charlie will go! Make your rezzies now. And please, take Charlie, he’s scared of four star restaurant hostesses.
If there’s anything Charles Tu likes more than eating, it’s pup pup puppy pups! (Okay, maybe jockstraps, too.) Behold the marriage of politics and pups with a Puppidential debate moderated by our favorite former Sean Cody model, Anderson Cooper.
What the hell?! Why the crap hasn’t Charlie Tuna Eats posted anything today?! I know Charlie very well, mind you, and he has the self-control of a baby shark. GROWL. That means there’s no may under this blue moon that he’s on a beauty fast.
You guys are just plum lazy and chose not to post. Lazy and STUPID. I hope you choke on your own filth.
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa? Charlie Tu has truly offended his AZN ancestors tonight by cooking his white rice with Bu-Bu-BU-BUTTER! Can you believe it? We can. Fatty. He also added some faux bacon and gnoshed on a handful of Italian olives. He says it tastes very blue-collar and down to Earth. But we say it’s a sin, a sin, I tell you. No more AZN for you, Charlies Smithson McUSA. YOU BAD. YOU. VERY. BAD.
You can’t wish Mother China away, Billy Chen. SHE IS ALWAYS WITH YOU.
Whenever Charlie feels lonely, he pays this man Gerald who lives up in Washington Heights to hold him gently as he falls to sleep. Also, penises were involved.
